Parenting is, by definition, the position of sacrifice for another that is initially totally dependent on you. If you have wounds from your own childhood around needs, want, and love, then babies, young children, and kids will fill that void. But that need in you will also overwhelm them and create a level of guilt, where it will become very difficult, if not impossible, to say no to them, create and maintain boundaries for them, and apply consequences when needed. If their love for you is dependent on you doing everything for them and giving everything to them, then at what point do they learn resilience, grit, critical thinking, and gain the ability to assess danger?

The simple answer is that they don’t-even in really basic things like learning to walk, there is a process. Initially, you learn to sit up by yourself, roll around, then crawl, stand up whilst holding onto something, and then independently, and then you begin to walk and ultimately run if you want. Every stage of that process has value and prepares you for the next. There is a drive and an urgency to get to the next stage because each stage increases your mobility and allows greater independent access to the areas immediately around you.

After that, you learn to play in a group with your peers, with the support of your parents peripherally to keep you safe by assessing the dangers around you and making appropriate decisions about if and when to intervene.

What we have when parents have not yet learned to manage and assess their own needs is that they do not allow this process to play out. They often intervene at all stages and therefore either delay the process or do not allow the child to gain the resilience of falling a few times and getting hurt. Not understanding that the child’s motivation for learning to walk is the pain of falling and the desire to avoid that pain.

When children are so insulated that they feel no pain, they will often go out and look for it elsewhere because, without it, there is limited value within the experience and they quickly get bored, which encourages greater risk-taking.

The other thing is that someone that does not learn resilience and how to overcome setbacks as a child lacks them in adulthood, so any setback is magnified. This then leads to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and a sense of helplessness that is often numbed by drug and substance misuse. But this is a temporary measure, as when the euphoria ends, the original situation still exists and the answer is still elusive.

Parents often give the reason for the overprotective behaviour as being a show of love. I would ask the question for whom? Otherwise, you create a sense of dependency for your child that will put them at a disadvantage in all future relationships.

How do we counteract that—therapy? It can be expensive. Get some honest friends and find other ways to fulfil that need for them as well as you, so they can get on with their lives with the right tools and also so that you can enjoy yours without feeling guilt that you always have to be there.